MY LIFE IN A BLOG

i need to express myself…

But where could I “blog” about my feelings as a cathartic exercise - I forgot that I had created a beautiful blog for myself last year!

Of course, it was supposed to be a foray into the “world of instagram influencers” for myself as something that; a) I am quite good at and; b) providing me with a purpose for the empty nest period of my life that has arrived.

HOLY SHIT! trying to be an influencer is REALLY, REALLY hard and takes a level of self-importance that I cannot even pretend to achieve. So… I stopped trying to be influential.

WTF?

Let’s jump forward nine months! I went from this semi-motivated individual, purposeful with good intentions in my life TO what I have become today (well actually yesterday) - an unhealthy, lump-on-a- log, that feels lost and broken.

I know that I am terribly hard on myself - I have had kind of a shitty history of health in the past few years - from back surgeries (one ending in a heart attack) IBS, CFS, PCOS, LUPUS etc. But to me that just is an excuse for being lazy and unmotivated to be my best self (so fucking corny -but I know it to be true)!

Unfortunately (or fortunately - depending on the glass filled concept) I would have to say I have hit an all-time low (and inversely my weight has hit an all time high)!

After knee surgery, a month of pneumonia rearing its head way too many times, three subsequent courses of antibiotics I felt (feel) BROKEN - mentally and physically. And God do I hate this - mostly because I feel like I am so incredibly selfish. So many people suffer in all too real and substantial ways. Have you seen the football coach with no arms and no legs - Rob Mendez - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXEruspkD_Q My closest friend is losing her mom one slow, painful day at a time and I cannot express how guilty that makes me feel that I have my own pity party happening!

self-awareness and howard stern

What do people say? being aware of the problem is the first step to solving the problem (I know that’s not a saying).

Two days ago I started reading Howard Stern’s book “Howard Stern Comes Again” (https://www.amazon.com/s?k=howard+stern+comes+again&crid=20TOJF20736F6&sprefix=howard+stern%2Caps%2C164&ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_12) - (as he will appreciate) I started reading it on the toilet in bits (remember I said I have IBS). Many people think he was a ‘shock-jock’ and an asshole and he is the first to admit that he was - failed his marriage, friends and his kids.

Stern’s introduction is about how one can change who and what they are AND are able to continue to work on themselves all the time. In his case Stern credits ‘pyscho-therapy’ - I can’t do that it frightens me more than anything! OMG talk about my feelings with another person - how awful!

Strangely I am able to write this “blog” with all my feelings, even posting it, to an indiscriminate number of people who may read this. (I really have no imaginations that anyone will read). In the same way that Howard has used is therapy sessions to evolve into the caring, passionate person he has become - I am using this space to do the same.

My first step… SELF - AWARENESS! This happened two days ago - I was falling… fast… into a deep abyss! Have you ever heard/seen the theme song by Fiona Apple from “The Affair” - that was me!

Just the sheer statement to my best friend, confidante, lover and husband - “Im Broken” - was enough. God bless my husband - he literally has not one clue what to say to me but I know he is there to support me 100%.

I am not going to keep going today - I really believe this should be a daily exercise - wish me luck in my life journey ahead!